The Bit and the Hackamore

“I feel stressed. I am responsible for everything, and I can barely stay focused or present in the room” a client recently told me, imagining the week that he was headed in to. For the sake of his privacy (and so my clients don’t get the idea that I cherry pick their stories to make teaching points – I absolutely do) I have removed this clients identifying information. The reality is, it could have been any one of them or any number of my friends. I’ve said that same phrase myself.

The idea here is that stress feels unavoidable, perhaps even responsible. There is so much that needs to be done: that project we are a part of at work isn’t moving along as fast as it was supposed to, we need to go grocery shopping and things don’t cost what they used to, the kids have soccer practice and school starting back up, my partner is fried from their week and we need to help alleviate their load… 

The world of stress management is a profitable business. Pray. Meditate. Exercise. Eat well. Sleep better. Think positive. Keep that blood pressure down. Nothing quite caused my blood pressure to go up like hearing that it was too high and I needed to “relax immediately or it will get worse.”

Here’s a question that I doubt you have thought of: how is stress serving you?

It’s a jarring question. One that I would guess most of us would initially shrug off with, “it’s not serving me, I’m trying to get rid of it.” But the deeper reality is that some part of us is choosing the heightened state of stress, consciously or unconsciously. 

At some point we learned that the only way to take care of ourselves is to be hyper aware of all the tasks we need to do. We need to anticipate the future to better handle it. We need to use the hot burning fuel of stress and performance to get everything done.

Being aware is one thing, keeping our engines running at 7,000 rpm in the name of responsibility is another.

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In the world of horsemanship, of which I am far from being an expert, it is common to use a bit to control a horse. The bit is the metal part that goes into a horse's mouth, sliding behind the teeth, which connects to the leather straps that run back over the head. These lines are then held and tugged to the right or left to turn the horse. 

If you have been around horses at all this is almost certainly the tool that was being used. The metal bit dates all the way back to somewhere around 1300 BC, but it isn’t the only way to control a horse. Illustrations dating back another hundred years indicate that bitless bridles were used first, for the first two thousand years of domesticated horsemanship, and are being used again.

One is called the Hackamore, and is a rope that fits around the nose of the horse, using knots to give pressure for the horse, rather than cold metal on warm tongue.

It’s a kinder way to guide the animal, but it also surrenders some immediate control. The Hackamore demands a higher level of connection between the horse and the rider. It requires time and skill. The more work that the rider has put into training the horse, to connecting with it through repetition and focus, the less pressure the rider needs with even the hackamore.

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If you are tracking with me you likely know where I am going: the metal bit is the fuel of stress, fear, and anticipation. It works. But it’s painful and damaging and sacrifices the slow work of connection for the quick outcome.

In this metaphor we are both the horse and the rider. One part of us has the reigns and feels responsible for our productivity and performance, the other part acts under the guidance. I am all for the support of prayer, movement, silence, sleep, nutrition, mindfulness, and counseling to mitigate stress. But if you asked yourself today, how is stress serving me? Have I been using a bit or a hackamore on myself? I wonder if you might find a kinder, more connected, pace.